I long to express something vast, big and magnificent. I have always longed to express what is true, the highest and most magnificent reality which we can think of. This longing is like a burning and unquenchable desire which I cannot stop or dry down or die out. And neither would I want to, for the longing is so strong and feels so right – guiding me slowly towards a deeper path, which becomes less and less afraid of new doors, even though it does become more and more afraid of God, and of offending Him. For who is God, and how can one being a mere human, possibly define Him?
God, being as being – esse qua esse – in itself, absolutely.
I long to distinguish the true God from all other gods so that I can experience Love in the highest order. He is Knowable through faith and reason, or so at least is the instinct of a good heart, as I define the state of my soul when it is oriented towards knowing God, a heart willing to purge itself of all that is ugly within our species (not superficially and materially but in regards to sin). When a heart is aiming to the saintly – even if it is in torment, even if it is in sin – if the heart is looking, every day, with great longing, to purge itself from all bad things in order to love God, then it is a good heart. A good heart searches and never gives up. It doesn’t look for relief, unless the relief is from God. It finds relief accidentally and temporarily through the material and the vain (that not directly of God), and then it is embarrassed to find relief in the material. Because when it is not searching it is not with God, and when it is not with God it is not entirely safe from being bad. And being bad means being away from God. Which in itself is the greatest possible sadness. It is however very hard to long for God the Father the abstract and the Almighty with tremendous intensity in every moment, especially when bombarded with not only a material, but a superficially material reality every day. The good heart is noble, but the good heart is weak.
But my longing keeps me thinking: Who is God? Everything. God is everything, but not everything is God – God is only one – the ONLY Being who just IS, is EVERYTHING, not everything individually, but everything at once. How can one know this is true, and not a mere syllogism – or a rational, abstract logic with no practical merit? Because Truth is grounded not only in Reason but also in Faith – both intertwined in utter perfection as the only possibility of perfection itself. It is both an entirely rational process capable of systematic discovery and a slow awakening of the good heart.
I have learned that the journey to God is a journey that starts with a desire – a thirst for virtue and for God, which is not to be confused with a thirst to be god, or to make man god, or to aggrandize god.
God comes when our souls are docile and ready for Him, in silence- with peace and without any struggle from within – with no longing from the creature, for the creature has found, at least temporarily by Grace, his peace. I long to be completely united with God.
It all starts with a longing, and so I long. Then I believe. Then I hope. And then I love. May God have mercy on us.
